The thing about this raising children business is that we can't live their life for them. When the chips are down and their little faces are creased with worry or sadness, I just want to step in there and take over the reins. Pull that great steed called Life up and say 'whoa there Life, whoooooooa'. But I can't.
My mantra of 'I won't worry unless they worry' only works if I'm not worried. Maxi spent last Monday at home with a 'sore tummy'. I know what makes a tummy sore: frangled nerves. Because he always struggles with change (new school year, new classroom, new friends, new everything and, worse, no best friend because Elliot moved away at the end of last year) we decided to humour him. He stayed at home in bed, for the whole day. LOML was on duty. He let him out of bed for 5 minutes at 'recess' and 10 minutes at 'lunchtime' and the rest of the time he was bored out of his brain.
On Tuesday he skipped off to school with a trio of stuffed rats in his pocket, 'just in case'. In case of what, I'm not certain, but I think they were there in case he didn't have a friend in the playground. Made my heart and my bottom lip wobble. The fact that he was skipping in, the fact that he'd come up with a solution to his worries all on his own - all that was lost on a worrying mumma. My boy, he struggles. Or maybe it's me that struggles.
We can prepare them, we can love them, we can smooth their shirts and fluff their hair, but we can 't live it for them. We send them out there day after day into a world we know can often be cruel and indifferent. We try to focus on all the bright lights and the kind gestures and the fun, the games, the simple joys. But the fact remains, we are as uncertain of their path as we are of our own.
We can't live it for them. We can't even live it for us half the time. So I'm trying really hard to stuff my pockets full of rats and be happy that they're in there.
What worries you most about your babies out there in the big wide world?
[Image by Charles Gullung]
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54 comments:
Oh, all of that. I worry that they won't make friends, that they won't find their place, that they won't be happy.
My eldest is an anxious little one and gets lots of tummy ache type things. It's so hard to balance checking in with him, with not imposing my anxieties or worries on him.
I don't think it ever gets easier though, does it? Are we destined to always have this anxiety about our children even when they are older than we are now?!
Oh Bron, it's too true. The same even goes for Mr PB - I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not his keeper and I can't make him do things even if I'd like him to! J x
Rats make excellent play mates. The moment he pulls one out of his pocket, he'll probably meet the eyes of another child who's just pulled their rat out too. That's how friends are made. xx
Oh poor sweetheart :-(
My mumma used to make us stay in bed when we were 'sick' too!
I worry all the time for my bubba. I worry now that she's near 6 months and not rolling, I worry she won't live me when I'm older and more.
Seems like I'm learning the mumma lesson that we will always worry for our children no matter what.
Hugs to Maxi. x
Oh Bron, I could have written this myself. Not as eloquently as you of course, but I have had to stop myself many times from taking over and trying to "fix" things.
Its one of the hard parts of parenting isn't it.
I love the rats in the pocket - kids can be so funny sometimes.
It reminds me of that post you did about your son taking Barbies to school (or something like that) It all turned out great in the end. I just try and remember that when my kids or my heart is breaking - it will all be ok in the end.
Beautifully written as always Bron. It really is torturous sometimes that they seem so much a part of us, so interconnected, yet they are completely separate and we have to let them be so. The beginning of a new year full of change always brings it home to me too.
Everything!!
All of it! Everything! When they were little a cuddle fixed so many things... Now, not so much. I hate it when i can't fix it... My heart breaks. It is probably when I am my most quietest with them.... As I listen, and hold the if they let me.
oh bron, you just have the most beautiful way with your words. I couldn't agree more, sometimes I look at them and think they are as fragile as a piece of glass, how will they make it through this big, bad world? LOVE the stuffing pockets full of rats idea xx
This is my 4th attempt at posting a comment...your blog hates me!!!! So short and sweet as I am over typing...we are going through similar. I had a little cry tonight as el is just so sad at the moment. She has been separated from friends for the 2nd year running - the first year I asked her be in a different class to a boy due to his dad??!! Horrible man - will tell you THAT story another time. So she ended up in a different class to all her friends. She ended up making a little friend in this new class but they split them this year. Now when she goes to play she can not find her friends....so I guess that means she is on her own at lunch. That kills me...I am so upset about it. She doesn't want to go to school and to be honest I want to protect her and keep her at home with me. My girl...she is a super kid. I feel so sad for her. I know I can't protect her from this stuff but man it is hard to accept that. I want to sneak up to the school at lunch and look for her and help her find her friends but that is crazy. Oh dear, being a parent is hard at times. Remind me to tell you about jakey's incident with the european wasps on the weekend - stund 4 times. I am a wee bit fragile at the moment! Back to Maxi...I do know what you are going through as I am there as well. It is so hard isn't it. xxx
My babies are in their twenties and I still worry. The situations change, the things we worry about are different (or sometimes not!), but still...we worry. It's what we do :)
Oh bless his little cotton school socks! It just hit me reading this how I would feel in the same situation, a little bit gutted. It must be hard especially when there is nothing you can really do!x
Feeling for you Muma bear - send him love via his lunchbox (special cookies and a handwritten note).
Thinking of you x
Awww.
The heartbreaking truth.
Feeling for you - and Maxi.
xx
I have a special worry for each child - they all have such different personalities.
Some days this means a lot of worrying for mama!
Hope he has a great week at school.
I had the very same thought
as my 16 year old squared her
shoulders and stepped out the
door to board the Monday bus.
Monday's are the hardest for her.
High school has been tough, socially
and oh, I ache as I see her lean
against the wind and prepare for
the noisy halls and loneliness that
will greet her when she arrives at
school. I have listened and hugged
and armed her with strategies, but
in the end, as you say, it is their life
to live.
Sweet precious boy....loved his rat
solution/back-up plan!
xx Suzanne
I worry that people will be cruel to him, that he won't find a "place" or that he will lose his way. I worry about it enough to make myself sick sometimes.
You've written it so beautifully and those are exactly the things I worry about too. They will make their own way and shine though. Not that that'll stop us worrying along the way of course....:) Love your boy's solution. :)
Yeah, girl, I love coffee! And art too! In company with the best friends yet? Kiss! : D
Yeah, girl, I love coffee! And art too! In company with the best friends yet? Kiss! : D
Oh Bron, this is just the right timing for my family. I have one at a new school and it is overwhelming. I feel like it is me at a new school too and I am also overwhelmed. I know that I can't do it for her, but need to be there for her when she needs extra support. Jen
Bron, I'll start by apologising for being a long-time lurker and first-time commenter, but this post resonated so deeply with me as I try to come to grips with my oldest starting at boarding school this year.
The helplessness of not being there, of only hearing of her new school days via the quavery-voiced phone calls breaks my heart.
I worry so much that her shyness will make it hard for her to make new friends, that her quietness will be seen as disinterest and I worry that I'm simply not there for her.
The worry for all of them will never end. It's a tough gig. But I hope that it's because we worry, that they learn to make good choices, responsible decisions and mature into wonderful beings.
Oh SOOO much! I worry so much about them out there in the world, our middle guy cries most every night about not having friends or not being treated well in the playground, the little guy has such a temper, I worry he'll let loose in the wrong place at the wrong time, and our big boy is so knotted up with confused feelings, wanting to be out there & all grown up, frustrated at the limitations we set..argh!! It's the hardest job in the world this parenting thing. All we can do is guide them the best way we know how, love them to bits & let them find their way on their own..I say as I sit here feeling quite useless & with a little ache in my heart..x
Yep, that'll trigger a lip wobble.
I think sometimes we all need a rat or three to lean on. xx
Oh Bron, thank goodness for the rats and the fact that Maxi has you as his mama!
My 8 year old started at a new school this year, and I was a mess worrying for her, but on the outside telling her how wonderful it would be.
She has made friends, but i do have to remind her that not everyone in your life is going to like you, and sadly sometimes the only reason is that your skin is a different colour to theirs :(
Hopefully she remains the confident little soul she is.
Thank you for helping us remember we're not the only worried mum on the block xx
Bron you are so right, but even though we know this it doesn't make it any easier. We can only prepare them and walk beside them to be there when they need us to fall back on. x
I wish you'd been my mum. I could have used some rats when I was a kid.
I think Maxi is growing up to be one helluva bloke. He's got this amazing back-up team at home!
Oh my god, this worries me more than any worry ever could. Why did I have children?! Life's hard enough when you're experiencing crap yourself... it would be way worse seeing little ones suffer. I can only hope I figure it out as I go along and my little guys don't suffer too much. That no matter what happens out there, they come home to love and safety.
When I watched Daisy yesterday afternoon exhausted from a day at School, step into a newer, bigger, badder swimming class where not even the teacher was in the pool with her anymore, and I saw her eyes fill with tears imploring me to "not make her" I wanted to just scoop her up and make it all go away. I felt sick. She was nervous. But I smiled and told her "she would be fine" and I felt like an arsehole. And I cried when she cried and then 15 minutes later my heart soared as I watched her suck it up, get on with it, and check to see I was watching and then beam at me.
It's SO hard. But she teaches ME more every day about being strong. And trying hard. And doing things that I don't want to do because as adults we don't really push ourselves do we?
Thinking of you. My tummy feels all sore after this post too x
I know where you are coming from. Girl had that sore tummy on Day 2 of school. She went though. She has been having issues with 'friends' often leaving her alone in the playground. I want to talk to the teacher but then I think maybe I should let them work between themselves but it's heartbreaking.
Everything you just said! And also, if I'm 100% honest with myself, I selfishly worry that she'll be all too capable and just won't need me anymore.
I just worry... and I have one girl who also worries... a lot... and that worries me.
I want to wrap them all in cotton wool, or try to make them into the people I think they need to be to stop worrying and be successful, but in the end I know they need to be exactly who they damn well are and I need to stop bloody worrying!
Oh this reminds me of when I was in hospital having just had J. I looked at this little creature and thought "holy heck, how am I going to keep you safe and well for the REST OF YOUR LIFE"!
I am a worrier and I really worry about the school years. They are hard years :(
I worry about bloody everything but the thing that worried me most before I had my boys and still scares the shite out of me is the drug & alcohol "thing". My brother & my Dad have addiction problems & I so hope we escape the horror of this. In the short term I worry for Bebito that the world will crush is huge & generous spirit. Yesterday we were at the playground & he went & hugged a girl about 10. She screamed. He cried. He is still asking me today why other children don't want him to hug them. It's all part of growing up I know but I wish it didn't have to hurt as they learned lessons about the world.
My 3 year old has the sore tummy thing. My family has a history of anxiety so I spend half my time worrying if I've passed that gene onto him! Love the post xx
I am covered in goosebumps reading this. SOOO beautifully written. I try not to think too much about this...yet...Bean being only 18 months old. When I haven't been able to stop myself from worrying about her future I've worried about 2 things really - her ginger hair getting her teased and about her getting into a car with a drunk driver. Your post was wonderful, the way you finished up with the 'safety' rats...gorgeous! xx
We went through a similar thing with our middle one, his lip would drop every morning and he would say, I don't want to go, no one will play with me.
It's heartbreaking.
You have one strong smart little boy, what a credit to you!...(and hugs)
I'm worried by the same things you are.
I figure skipping is always a good sign and I guess the most we can do is hope and pray and encourage more skipping and rats.
I'm liking how well prepared Maxi seems to be for life's "just in cases".
you read my mind.., I worry about everything, about bad things and evil touching my babies and I pray Im strong enough to guide them well and let them live their own lives..
Oh, I worry about EVERYTHING. From whether that temperature is something really bad to whether that mate who puched him yesterday is going to be a bully to him for the rest of the year.
I guess that it is part of being a mum but I remember my own insecurities well enough that I worry about what they are dealing with or are going to have to deal with.
It was bad enough being a pessimist when I was single but now that I have a family, it is a whole new level.
I'm joining in with the peeps who worry about everything cause I do too! The worst is when one of them comes home from school and tells me someone has been mean to them and I am just horrified thinking, but why! You are such a nice kid, why would anyone be mean to you!
I love that Maxi always works it out. It might take a day in bed boring himself into oblivion to do it, but the kid works it out. Don't you worry about him. He will be just fine. School sucks for everyone at some point. He's just doing it tough early so that the rest of the years will be a breeze. Bet ya. x
I have a worrier so that means a lot of worrying anyway, for both of us. With these exact same fears. But as he gets older and moves through the school grades he does get easier ~ he is now Year 4.
But really, my biggest worry: bullies. Big ones, small ones, evil ones. And that he won't tell me about them.
Oh, and I was going to say. There's some great comments on this post. Encouraging.
This is such a lovely post, and beautifully written.
Yep, I worry about all of that and my child is homeschooled!!! x
Wow, you just said it.
You have a way of stating perfectly what is inside my brain.
PS how did it turn out? Were the rats needed? Don't leave us hangin' mama!!!
xx
After spending the weekend in hospital with threatened preterm labour...my worry is getting the baby into the wide world safely...as for the rest, one day at a time.
Trust in yourself! You can only do what you can do, the rest is up to them, and the gods, the fates and the kharma of the world if you so believe.
Feel better.
Beautiful post that is incredibly well-timed for me. My five year old Boy-Who-Asks-Questions has just started school. Every afternoon I drill him: Who did you play with? Have you made some nice friends? Did you eat all your lunch? Did you manage to go to the toilet ok? Were you happy? Are you happy now?
He just looks at me like I'm nuts...then I worry that I'm turning him into a worrier. Yep, hard work this parenting gig. Need to get me some stuffed rats I reckon. x
My littlies aren't anywhere near school age yet, but I already know how much worry it will bring. Actually my wise wonderful mother told me to enjoy these pre-school years as much as possible because of the innocence that goes with it. In her words, once they're in school parenting really begins.
My son is fairly confident but hates any form of conflict (playground shoving, toy snatching and the like). He just doesn't get it and his instinct is to burst in to tears. I can then just picture him in school not being able to stand up to the cool kids and then the worrying begins...
Oh it's not easy is it!?
What a clever boy stuffing those rats in his pockets. It's good to have a plan B. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for, I think. I worry about my big girl and her health issues. I try not too desparately, but I do. Every single day.
Mr5 has just started school, and I'm having to remind myself that it's his life and if he's happy it's ok. But some days I want to stand in front of morning assembly, grab the microphone and tell the world "my kid is wonderful and caring and I'd appreciate it if you'd treat him as well as he deserves". Fortunately I also have a shred of self-consciousness.
Oh lord where do I start... When they are at school, my biggest worry is that they are sad and I am not there to help them. I know they are happy most of the time, or so they tell me, but I worry for those odd times that someone says something mean, or they have no one to play with, or they miss me and their daddy, I worry that I am not there right at that very moment, to hug them and tell them that all is okay.....xx
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